Which is 로 문장을 시작하면 의문문으로 끝맺어야함

Body 2  movies and television make young people to?  make 는 사역동사로서 to를 받을 수 없다
make young people be violent    violence는 명사형  형용사형으로 교체

they cannot be part
they cannot be a part 파트는 가산명사

programs'scene    -->  programs' scenes

Which is serious problem to young people because once they got addicted movies and television
Which is a serious problem to young people because once they get addicted to movies and television
 He used twenty-four hours and seven days a week -->  He spent twenty-four hours and seven days a week
상훈이형이 너무 많이 사냥함...ㅠㅡㅠ

academic course -->  academic courses or an academic course

1번째 줄, 주절이 끝나지 않음.
6번째 줄, become -> becomes (제안)

제안이라 써있는 것은 확실하지 않습니다. 고쳐준 것 중 틀린 게 있으면 알려주세요. ^^
Ctrl + F 를 쓰면 틀린 부분을 찾는 게 더 쉬워요.

류티 가 because TS랑 ES에 쓰지 마래

some comedy => some comedies

For these reasons, young people addicted to television, and young people’s situation become aggressive.
이 문장은 생략해도 좋을 거 같아!

Which is serious problem to young people
Which is a serious problem to young people

because once they got addicted movies and television; they do not concentrate on academic course.
because once they got addicted to movies and television,  they do not concentrate on academic courses.

He used twenty-four hours and seven days a week to watch some comedy
He used twenty-four hours and seven days a week to watch some comedies

Therefore, watching television and movies do give negative influence.
Therefore, watching television and movies do give negative influences.

In addition, movies and television make young people to being violence.
In addition, movies and television make young people to be violent.

because they mimic the action from violent scene in the movies
because they mimic the action from violent scenes in the movies

He imitated motion of the violent movies and television programs’ scene.
He imitated motions of the violent movies and television programs’ scenes.

이렇게 수정하면 좋을 거 같아:)

Topic: Movies and television have negative effects on young people.

Intro: The question as to whether movies and television have negative effects on young people. Some people argue that movies and television give more positive effects on young people than negative effects on young people. However, I strongly assert that television programs give negative effects on young people. There are several reasons why I agree with this statement.

Body 1: To begin with, young people are easily addicted to movies and television. Which is a serious problem to young people because once they got addicted movies and television; they do not concentrate on academic courses. For instance, I had a friend named Tim. When he was sixteen year-old, he loved to watch television. He used twenty-four hours and seven days a week to watch some comedies and television shows. I told him that watching television is wasting of time. However, he did not listen to others’ advices. He always looked tired and did not finish his work. He became unhealthier than before. Therefore, watching television and movies gives negative influences.

Body 2: In addition, movies and television make young people be violent. Aggressive young people have hard time to associate with others because they mimic the action from violent scenes in the movies and television. Young people are very aggressive to people, leading that they cannot be a part of society. For instance, I had a friend who watched violent movies and television every day. These kinds of television programs and movies gave negative effects to him. He imitated motions of the violent movies and television programs’ scenes. As a result, watching television makes young people to become aggressive. Thus, watching television gives bad effects to young people

Topic: Movies and television have negative effects on young people.

Intro: The question as to whether movies and television have bad influences on young people. Some people may believe that movies and programs on television bring more positive effects on young people than those of negative because some programs are educational. However, I strongly assert that most of broadcasting programs are not valuable to lives of young people. There are several reasons why I agree with this statement.

Body 1: To begin with, young people are easily addicted to movies and television. Once young people got addicted to TV broadcast such as soft dramas and comedies, they may not focus on their studies, but instead put their all attention on TV. The deviation from academy can affect students’ school lives in a bad way. For instance, I had a friend, Tim. When he was sixteen year-old, he loved to watch television. He spent much of his time to watch some comedies and television shows. I as a sincere friend of him advised countless times to persuade him that watching television is a waste of his life. However, he did not listen to my true saying. As a result, he couldn’t achieve high score on every subject and as a result, he was drifted apart him from school life. Likewise, films can influence young people to serious addiction and eventually to a stage of chaos in their whole life time.

Body 2: In addition, cruel images have potential to lead young people fierce, some of whom may mimic those films. In most cases, people do not prefer such violent actions. They cannot be a part of society. For instance, my best friend TH watched violent movies and television every day. These kinds of television programs and movies brought negative effects to him. He imitated motions of the violent movies and television programs’ scenes. As a result, his personality changed very aggressive, which were totally different from that of the past. Thus, watching television does give bad effects to young people.