작성일 : 20-10-10 01:29
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[라이팅첨삭] #20 오답노트 및 re-writing + 질문 있습니다!!!!!!!
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글쓴이 :
박윤하 (59.♡.7.56)
 조회 : 1,356  추천 : 0
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[ 첨삭 내용 정리 ]
* 구조상 유의할 사항
서론 - 마지막 문장에는 근거 명확하게 제시
본론 - 이유 2가지만 쓰고, 결론 문단을 좀 더 보충
각 문단에 예시 하나씩 필요함
시작은 reason, 마지막 문장은 topic sentence와 연결해서 쓸 것 !
결론 - topic support 주의
* 기타 오답노트
- private, public 앞에는 관사 필요 x
- spend 'on'
- 'around' my age
- be easily exposed to
- 구어체 문장 피하기 (Well,~ 로 시작하는 문장 x)
[ 첨삭을 바탕으로 재작성 ]
I think parents these days have more influence on children's education than they did in the past. There might be a difference case by case, but I saw a tendency that parents nowadays have more interest in their children's education than the parents 2-30 years ago. I also brought several data that prove this phenomenon, and I am going to stress three main reasons to support my idea. I saw the difference in parents' attitude toward their children's education in my experience, and also I got physical data and a cultural evidence that shows the growth of parents' interest about teaching theirs children.
First of all, the portion of private education has heavily increased during recent years. Private education means every kinds of education except public education from school and government. Private academies and personal teaching are the common types of private education. Private education is an important feature that shows the parents' desire for their children to perform great in school, and many empirical data show that more and more people spend their money on private education for their sons and daughters. For instance, the education market has been highly growing, and this is the physical evidence of my opinion.
Second, in my experience, I found a huge difference about studying between my generation and my parents'. For the students around my age, it is natural to go to additional academies for several subjects after school and parents support them. Also, I saw many young parents who take care of their babies' future education and start searching about infant education even before they give birth. However, as I heard from my dad, it was quite unusual to take additional classes with parents' money. He said that students at that time, 30 years ago, just took classes from school, and their parents did not really care about what they learned and how they studied. This is a common example in other families besides my family, and it shows how parents have changed their attention to children's education.
Lastly, nowadays, we are easily exposed to news or stories about the conflict between parents and children due to parents' exerting too much control over their children's education. Many parents have the desire to make their children get a high grade and go to a good university. There was even a drama that was a huge hit last year named 'SKY Castle' telling how the parent's influence affects the children in a bad way. This is the clear evidence that shows parents' too much enthusiasm to their children's education which did not exist before a decade ago.
Therefore, I introduced three main reasons why I support the idea of parents' bigger influence on children's education. First reason is the physical data that show grown interest in private education which means parents today are more concerning for their children's education. Also, I introduced my own experience that I felt a difference about the education between my generation and my parent's, and a famous drama that featured a society with parents' deepen desire for their children's performance in educational results.
[ 질문 내용 ]
1. 마지막 결론 문단에는 <주장을 밝히는 문장 + 근거에 대한 요약 한 줄씩> 으로 작성하고 끝내면 될까요? (그 뒤에도 덧붙일 문장이 필요한지 궁금합니다.)
2. 각 본론 문단의 마지막 줄에도 해당 주장을 정리하며 topic sentence와 연결하는 문장이 들어가고, 결론 문장에서도 각 문단에 대한 요약이 들어가면 너무 내용이 반복되는 느낌이 들진 않을까요?
3. 이번 주제의 경우 children, parents, education 과 같은 단어는 어쩔 수 없이 매우 많이 쓰게 되는데, 괜찮은가요? paraphrasing을 시도해보려해도, 위 단어들은 대체할만한 표현이 마땅치 않은 듯 해 어려웠습니다..
감사합니다!
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